Twelve tactics people use on partners, bosses and family. What each one sounds like, what it actually does to you, and the exact move that stops it.
Every one of these works by making the reasonable response feel unreasonable. That is the whole design. Once you can name the move, it stops doing that.
01The guilt trip
Sounds like"If you really cared about me, you'd cancel."
What it doesIt ties a favor to whether you love them, so saying no stops being a decision about the favor and becomes a verdict on the relationship. Most people pay just to avoid returning that verdict.
Counter-moveAnswer the request and the accusation separately. "I'm not canceling tonight. And I do care about you." Split in two, the leverage is gone.
02Gaslighting
Sounds like"That never happened."
What it doesDenies your memory calmly, and often enough that you start checking yourself instead of them. Once you stop trusting your own recall, you need somebody to tell you what is real, and they volunteer.
Counter-moveWrite things down the day they happen, in your own words, somewhere they cannot see. Not to build a case. To keep one reference point that does not move.
03The non-apology
Sounds like"I'm sorry you feel that way."
What it doesApologizes for your reaction instead of their action. It has the shape of an apology, so refusing it makes you look unforgiving, and nothing about the behavior has been agreed to change.
Counter-moveSay what the apology is for. "I'm not asking you to be sorry I'm upset. I'm asking you to stop doing it."
04The backhanded compliment
Sounds like"That's so flattering on you, it really hides your belly."
What it doesPraise with a cut inside it. Objecting makes you the person who can't take a compliment, so it goes unanswered, and over time their approval is the only one that still registers.
Counter-moveAsk them to repeat it. "Sorry, say that again?" Delivered flat, it makes them either own the second half or drop it.
05Weaponized incompetence
Sounds like"Sorry, you're just better at this than me."
What it doesDoing a job badly until it stops being theirs. The tell is that they never improve at it, no matter how often it comes up, because improving would cost them the excuse.
Counter-moveStop redoing it. Hand it back and let it sit unfinished. Once fixing it is no longer your problem, being bad at it stops paying.
06Love bombing
Sounds likeThree weeks in: moving in together, meeting the family, all of it at once.
What it doesIntensity arrives before they know you, which skips the months where you would normally work out who they are. It also sets a standard you spend the rest of the relationship trying to get back to.
Counter-moveSlow the pace and watch the reaction. Someone genuinely interested is still there in six months. Someone running the pattern gets frustrated much sooner than that.
07Moving the goalposts
Sounds like"Great work. Now let's see you keep it up for another quarter."
What it doesThe target changes after you have already paid for it, always in a way that sounds reasonable on its own. The last target is usually one nobody can measure, like "more leadership", so it can be withheld forever.
Counter-moveAsk what specifically happens when you hit it, and ask for that in writing. How they react to the question is the answer.
08The silent treatment
Sounds likeNothing. For days.
What it doesPunishment with nothing you can point to. There was no fight to resolve, so you end up apologizing simply to restore contact, often without knowing what for.
Counter-moveSay what you have noticed and what you will do, once. "You haven't spoken to me in two days. I'm here when you want to." Then get on with your day. It only works if you chase.
09Triangulation
Sounds like"Even your sister thinks you're overreacting."
What it doesBrings in a third person, real or invented, so you are no longer disagreeing with one person but with a consensus. It also quietly puts distance between you and whoever got quoted.
Counter-moveGo and ask that person yourself. Most of the time the quote does not survive contact with the person supposedly making it.
10Intermittent reinforcement
Sounds likeWarm for no reason on Tuesday. Cold for no reason on Wednesday.
What it doesA reward you cannot predict is far more compelling than one you can. It is the mechanism slot machines run on. When approval lands at random, you keep performing constantly, because any moment might be the one that earns it.
Counter-moveWrite down each time the warmth arrives and what came before it. Randomness you can see on paper stops feeling like something you can earn.
11DARVO
Sounds like"I didn't do that, and honestly I can't believe you'd accuse me."
What it doesDeny, attack, then reverse the roles of victim and offender. You raise a problem and the conversation ends with them wounded and you apologizing for having raised it. The original issue is never discussed.
Counter-moveHold one sentence and repeat it. "We can talk about that separately. Right now I'm asking about the thing I raised." Do not defend the side issue, because defending it is the point of it.
12Foot in the door
Sounds like"Could you just look at one page?" Then it's the whole document, by Friday.
What it doesA first request small enough that refusing looks petty. Once you have said yes, refusing the bigger one feels inconsistent, and most people dislike being inconsistent more than they dislike the cost.
Counter-moveJudge each request on its own terms. "I did that one. This is a different size, and it's a no." Past yeses are not a promise.
None of these mean the person using them is a monster. Plenty of people learned these at home and run them without ever deciding to. Naming the move is not a diagnosis of them. It is what stops it working on you.